Wednesday, March 15, 2006

 

Meet Your Local Wal*Mart Staff


Aaaah, Wal-Mart, the epitome of American capitalism and culture. What would we do without Wal-Mart?....well, probably just get it at the local shop for 50¢ more. I always say "Wal-Mart has everything in the world (except what you're looking for)." But these stores don't run themselves you know, they have a whole army of folks making sure the job gets done. And by "job getting done", I of course mean, making sure every single moment spent in the store is the most frustrating experience ever. So, let's meet these hard workers that make it all possible.


THE SHOPPING CART WRANGLERS
Most shopping centers have shopping cart "corrals" where patrons are supposed to put their carts. The wranglers then herd all the stray carts into the corral where they lasso all the carts, and force them into a straight line where they lead them back to the store. These guys are the hardcore of the Wal-Mart army. They are out there in the rain, snow, heat, cold, day, night, whatever it takes. Usually, they sport the stylish orange vest instead of the traditional blue. They are lone warriors that prefer to work alone. They are highly territorial in nature and have been known to fight other wranglers poaching carts from their pens. If you ever meet one of these soldiers in the lot, avoid eye contact as they may become threatened and attack.

THE GREETERS
One of the first people you meet in the store is the door greeter. These men and women are usually of the senior citizen population. Their goal is to make you feel welcome and comfortable like your visiting your grand-parents. The only problem is, my grandparents aren't half senile nor do they constantly smell like vinager. These soldiers are sometimes overlooked because sometimes they are sitting in a chair or motorized cart due to faulty hips and what not. At times, they are very underspoken and hard to hear. Generally, they don't serve a purpose, so no one has ever really studied them or their habits.

THE SHOPPING CART PIMP
Their job is to offer carts to customers coming into the store. However, they usually have a very low stamina and get worn out easily. Only on the first few minutes of their shift do they speak audibly. On most occasions when you enter the store, they will just stare at you awkwardly trying to sense if you want a cart or not. This type is usually pretty good at guessing who needs a cart and who doesn't. HOWEVER, it is their job to offer you the cart. Just like a waiter at a restaurant, his job is to offer a refill. You shouldn't have to ask. I like to walk up to the cart pimp and just stand their silent, until they offer me a cart. To which I call them a pervert, and continue on my way.

THE FLOOR MANAGER
Occasionally, you might see one of these Generals. Usually, in khaki pants, and collered shirt, with ID around their neck. If you see one, take a picture, because he won't be around for long. They move very quickly. Don't even bother asking for help from these people, because they have better things to do than help you, loser.

THE "EMO"PLOYEE
This kid can be very difficult to work with, but at other times, extremely helpfull. You can usually find him/her wandering about either looking at CD's or toys. They don't care about you, or Wal-Mart. They are just there to get paid to buy a sweet new guitar. Asking for their help makes about as much sense as shitting with your pants on. The average employment life of this kind is about 2 weeks. Damn kids.

THE EX-CON SPORTING GOODS GUY
Who better to sell you guns and ammo, than they guy who can't even legally own one himself. This guy is crazy, but damn does he know his guns. Hell, he actually used that .44 last week in the CVS robbery. You better hope your the first one there, because if not, you will never get his attention. He is either pre-occupied with talking to another customer about the night he was drunk and stabbed his own leg on accident. If not that, he just isn't there. He disappears for hours, and no-one knows where he is.

THE CHATTY-CATHY
These two ladies usually come in pairs. Constantly talking, Constantly blabbering they never shut up. If you can ever get a word in, they will never show you where something is, they just say something like "It's at the end of aisle 12" as you notice, the signs end at aisle 10. Sometimes, you will find them at the check out counter just yakking away. "Can you believe he said that to me? So I says to him, Tyler, you better stop flirtin with yer cousin." Oh...my....gosh this is awkward...SHUT UP!

THE SEMI-HOT CHECKOUT GIRL
You see this girl everytime you go to Wal-Mart. If possible you get in her line, but it's not the most important thing if you don't. She is kinda hot, but you become skeptical of her. "Why does a good looking girl like that work here" Well, here is why. Because most girls with a criminal record for prostitution can't get jobs at Target. Stay away from this girl, she is bad news. She is known as "the hot one" amongst the staff, so she has an inappropriate arrogance about her. Besides, she doesn't dig your type anyway. She likes the rugged Cart Wranglers.

THE NAIVE SECURITY GUY
Whenever you leave the store and the security thing goes off, he always says, "eeeh go ahead". What a dumb ass.

Right on,
UberBrian

Comments:
It's a great discription of what walmart is like. However, i think you have insulted me, two sisters, and two good friends. I was once a cart wrangler... until that one day.
 
No...you worked at Sam's club, and so do they. Everyone know's that Sam's club are the elite Spec. Ops. group. Any schmuck can work at Wal-Mart, but it takes someone special to work at Sam's

Sam's club pwns Walmart.
 
I was at Costco and they have a guy I've never seen before. You just push your cart up to the checkout, and someone takes your cart and takes everything out of your cart for you, the check out person rings it up, and then they put it back in the cart.

Does Sam's have a guy like that?
 
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