Tuesday, March 28, 2006


The Little Things (that bother me) Vol. 3

• Hershey Kiss' wrappers, and how that little paper tab always breaks off.

• The plastic molding that things like batteries come in. You need the jaws of life and a torch to open those damn things.

• People who are constantly sniffing.

• How on newscasts, they always try to end the night with an upbeat story, but it is always lame...like the squirrel on skis.

• How in movies, every time someone opens a metal gate, you hear the EXACT SAME sound effect, every single damn time no matter what movie you are watching.

• When commercials are louder than the TV show.

• Recently, all cars have a security feature on it where the car will start honking if a moth lands on it.

• Wayne Hart from channel 25. I hate that bastard.

• Ron Rhodes from channel 7. He is a bigger douche than Wayne Hart.

• Old guys with white hair, wearing tuxedos. They are always so arrogant.

• Political ads during election season.

• When you are dishing something up to eat, and you drop the serving fork (or spoon) on the floor. The resulting hit to the ground causes all the food particle on the utensil to splatter everywhere, but just leaving tiny little marks.

• There is something in your fridge. It has a rather long life on it. You always see it, but you never eat it. Finally, you get in the mood to eat it, and you notice the expiration date was 2 days ago.

• Whenever you unhook electronic equipment, then plug it in the exact same way, and it doesn't work. And there is no reason for that.

• The phrase "Expect the Unexpected"

• When you get a small cut on your finger but you don't know it. Eventually, you notice you have a small cut on your finger and it immediately starts to sting. That is so annoying.

• When someone is talking on a cell phone and they can't get a good connection so they just sit there going "HELLO?.........HELLO?......ARE YOU THERE? HELLO?????"

• Sunday drivers

• Old men with handkerchiefs

• Old men who use their handkerchiefs at the dinner table

• The lame banter between local news anchors.

• The even LAMER segways the local news people use between stories. Example, I heard this one yesterday from Kerry Dean on Ch. 7. "I don't think I would spend that much money on clothes, but I WOULD spend it on this weather we are having!"

• My tv in the bedroom is acting up. The remote sensor won't pick up the remote half the time and the remote won't work. You could say it messes up 60% of the time everytime.

• When you tear a piece of tape off the roll, and the two sticky sides touch. You can never salvage that piece.

• When there is ice on the ground, and your trying so hard not to slip and fall down, but you do anyway. And usually in front of someone.

• During the winter and your driving late in the day, and the sun is behind the trees creating a strobe effect.

• People on myspace who clutter their page up so much you can never read anything, AND it bogs down your computer so much, it just sits there forever trying to load whatever lame ass song they choose to play. Myspace sucks.

• All of these commercials for online predators. And they always make the dude look like a regular guy who is well off. Never some creepy guy in a dank basment like pedophiles are. They are like that right?

• When you try to correct a mistake in your blog, but can't becase everytime you go to re-publish it, it says, document contains no data.

• Stupid lists of people complaining about things that annoy them.

Sunday, March 26, 2006



Anybody wanna hear some uber folk rock? go to myspace.com/theperfectos

In other news, Tom Cruise, and all those crazy scientologists are... um, crazy. If you need proof, read this:

Rollingstone.com Scientology

Saturday, March 25, 2006


OEAJ Update

Jonny Won't You Do Me, featuring Jonny W. and Rachel L. has been awarded Track of the Day for April 1. That's the biggest April fools joke ever.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


April Fools Sucker

April fools is just around the corner. Do you know who you will prank and what you will do to them? Here are some classic pranks I have done in the past that are pretty fun.

• The old "bird in the door" trick•
Capture a bird, put it in between someones front door, and storm door. Ring the bell, run away. When they answer the door, the bird flies into their house. This works best with, like, a hawk or something.

• The old "snake in the bed" trick•
Everyone has heard of the rubber snake in the bed trick. Well, instead of a rubber snake, use a Cottonmouth. That gets them everytime.

• The old "runaway car" trick•
Before someone drives to work, cut their break lines, and glue down the accelorator. Oh man, the look on their face is priceless when they put it in gear.

• The old "job shadow" trick•
Go visit your friend at work. Only, show up in S&M gear and handcuff yourself to him when you get there. The boss will probably give your friend a raise.

• The old "cheating on your wife" trick•
Set up a date with your wife at a fancy hotel. Only, show up early, and with 2 prostitutes. When your wife arrives, she will think it's hilarious.

• The old "super glue" trick•
While your friend is asleep, glue shut, every single oriface on their body. Along, with any other extremity you deem inappropriate. It's funn watching them panic when they wake up.

• The old "get out, there's a bomb in here" trick•
Tell your friend that someone planted a bomb in your car, and you can't drive under 70mph. Then push him out of the car. He will laugh when he finds out there was no bomb.

• The old "fire head" trick•
Set your friends hair on fire. It makes them dance around and slap themselves in the head. Then they smell bad for the rest of the day.

• The old "Naire substitute" trick•
Substitue a bottle of Naire with hydrochloric acid. Then pour that into a shampoo bottle.

• The old "set up" trick•
Let your friend borrow your car. But first pack it with illegal drugs and guns and what not. Then call the cops and report your car stolen. After your friend has been in jail for a few months send him a card that says, "April Fools, I'm sleeping with your sister!"

• The old "late rental" trick•
Steal your friends Blockbuster card, and rent as many porno movies you can. Then watch them and return them.

• The old "fake fall down" trick•
Fall down and act like you really hurt yourself. Say you can't be moved because you can't feel your legs. Demand an air-evac helicoper. When the helicopter gets there poop and pee your pants. Scream in agony every time someone comes near you. When you get to the hospital, take a bunch of pills so you fall into a deep coma. 10 years later when you become conscious, tell your friend to meet you at the spot you fell and hurt yourself, because you don't think you can handle the emotional strain alone. When he gets there, kick him in the nuts and run away.


OEAJ Update

Our quest to take over the world has begun. Country Drinkin has only been up for 2 days and has already been awarded track of the day. On March 30th, our picture and song will be featured on Garageband's front page in the Comedy section. We won a badge and everything. I am proudly posting it over on the left. That will be our trophy section.

Go there and download our songs. As time goes on, we will be adding more songs.


Right on,

Friday, March 17, 2006


And the latest trend is....WTF?

Sometimes you learn something you wish you had never learned. Well, I went to get a hair cut. I don't go to a traditional barber though, I go to more of a salon. I'm not gay or nothing, it's just that this lady is the only person that can cut my hair the way I like it. Anyways, some lady had been in there previously talking about a ....procedure....Well, my hair cut lady was telling me about it, and I had never heard of this. And, I bet you have never heard of it either. So I am posting a link to an article about this procedure. Only because I don't think it is fair that I have to go through this craziness alone. I have no idea what to say about this, other than just shake my head. I am totally speechless.

I will warn you though, this is not safe for work, or school. And I'd say it's not safe anywhere, but without further adou, I present to you...

Click here for one of the strangest concepts ever.

Right on,

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


Meet Your Local Wal*Mart Staff

Aaaah, Wal-Mart, the epitome of American capitalism and culture. What would we do without Wal-Mart?....well, probably just get it at the local shop for 50¢ more. I always say "Wal-Mart has everything in the world (except what you're looking for)." But these stores don't run themselves you know, they have a whole army of folks making sure the job gets done. And by "job getting done", I of course mean, making sure every single moment spent in the store is the most frustrating experience ever. So, let's meet these hard workers that make it all possible.

Most shopping centers have shopping cart "corrals" where patrons are supposed to put their carts. The wranglers then herd all the stray carts into the corral where they lasso all the carts, and force them into a straight line where they lead them back to the store. These guys are the hardcore of the Wal-Mart army. They are out there in the rain, snow, heat, cold, day, night, whatever it takes. Usually, they sport the stylish orange vest instead of the traditional blue. They are lone warriors that prefer to work alone. They are highly territorial in nature and have been known to fight other wranglers poaching carts from their pens. If you ever meet one of these soldiers in the lot, avoid eye contact as they may become threatened and attack.

One of the first people you meet in the store is the door greeter. These men and women are usually of the senior citizen population. Their goal is to make you feel welcome and comfortable like your visiting your grand-parents. The only problem is, my grandparents aren't half senile nor do they constantly smell like vinager. These soldiers are sometimes overlooked because sometimes they are sitting in a chair or motorized cart due to faulty hips and what not. At times, they are very underspoken and hard to hear. Generally, they don't serve a purpose, so no one has ever really studied them or their habits.

Their job is to offer carts to customers coming into the store. However, they usually have a very low stamina and get worn out easily. Only on the first few minutes of their shift do they speak audibly. On most occasions when you enter the store, they will just stare at you awkwardly trying to sense if you want a cart or not. This type is usually pretty good at guessing who needs a cart and who doesn't. HOWEVER, it is their job to offer you the cart. Just like a waiter at a restaurant, his job is to offer a refill. You shouldn't have to ask. I like to walk up to the cart pimp and just stand their silent, until they offer me a cart. To which I call them a pervert, and continue on my way.

Occasionally, you might see one of these Generals. Usually, in khaki pants, and collered shirt, with ID around their neck. If you see one, take a picture, because he won't be around for long. They move very quickly. Don't even bother asking for help from these people, because they have better things to do than help you, loser.

This kid can be very difficult to work with, but at other times, extremely helpfull. You can usually find him/her wandering about either looking at CD's or toys. They don't care about you, or Wal-Mart. They are just there to get paid to buy a sweet new guitar. Asking for their help makes about as much sense as shitting with your pants on. The average employment life of this kind is about 2 weeks. Damn kids.

Who better to sell you guns and ammo, than they guy who can't even legally own one himself. This guy is crazy, but damn does he know his guns. Hell, he actually used that .44 last week in the CVS robbery. You better hope your the first one there, because if not, you will never get his attention. He is either pre-occupied with talking to another customer about the night he was drunk and stabbed his own leg on accident. If not that, he just isn't there. He disappears for hours, and no-one knows where he is.

These two ladies usually come in pairs. Constantly talking, Constantly blabbering they never shut up. If you can ever get a word in, they will never show you where something is, they just say something like "It's at the end of aisle 12" as you notice, the signs end at aisle 10. Sometimes, you will find them at the check out counter just yakking away. "Can you believe he said that to me? So I says to him, Tyler, you better stop flirtin with yer cousin." Oh...my....gosh this is awkward...SHUT UP!

You see this girl everytime you go to Wal-Mart. If possible you get in her line, but it's not the most important thing if you don't. She is kinda hot, but you become skeptical of her. "Why does a good looking girl like that work here" Well, here is why. Because most girls with a criminal record for prostitution can't get jobs at Target. Stay away from this girl, she is bad news. She is known as "the hot one" amongst the staff, so she has an inappropriate arrogance about her. Besides, she doesn't dig your type anyway. She likes the rugged Cart Wranglers.

Whenever you leave the store and the security thing goes off, he always says, "eeeh go ahead". What a dumb ass.

Right on,

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


S*** List Update: Isaac Hayes

1. Michael Moore - For being a fat obnoxious bastard.
2. Kanye West - For being an arrogant jerk that thinks he is Jesus.
3. Pamela Anderson - For sueing KFC
4. Tom Cruise - For sueing over his portrayal in a South Park episode.
5. Bode Miller - For totally bombing at the Olympics and not even caring.

6. Isaac Hayes - For quiting South Park because they made fun of Scientology.

Click here for info

Monday, March 13, 2006


Jnell's Corner

We have recently learned that one of our friends frequents our site out of pure boredom at work. I can dig it, since that is how this site got started. So, we decided to put her brain to work. It is a win/win situation. She now will have something to keep her occupied, and we will learn something meaningless, yet interesting.

UberRed has created another UberBlog for this. You can access by clicking the link to the left.

Whenever, Jnell answers a question, we will give her another one. She will answer them as she wants (If she even wants too that is).

If you have any questions you would like Jnell to answer, just post them in the comments section of her blog.

Right on,

Sunday, March 12, 2006


A-Hole Impressions: Vol. 2 - Robots

Eeewwww, look at me I'm a robot. I move in choppy motion and speak in a monitone voice. It's no problem at all for me to do complicated math equations in mere seconds. I think I am so awesome. In fact, I am so awesome, there is a dance named after me. Look at my shiney metal body and sprockets and gears. You only wish you had a chassis like me.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


Best Lines from Brokeback (Deleted Scenes)

We found a script on the internet for Brokeback Mountain. There was a bunch of stuff they cut out, I guess due to time constraints. We thought we would share these lines with you.

You want a dip of this skoal before we...you know...do it?

Man, it’s not as smooth as I thought it would be
Hell, man, lube it up with that spit from the spittoon

I love the way your spurs dig into my side

The moon makes your eyes sparkle like my belt buckle
ah, I bet you say that to all your gay cowboy lovers.

Do these wranglers make my butt look big?
Yeah, you better take em off so we can...you know..do it.

We can’t let anyone know about us...you know...doing it.
Then we should probably stop going up together on top of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

How come you don’t look at me when we’re...you know...doing it?

I wish I could quit you.
Don’t you mean, sodomize?

Show me your six shooter, I’ll show you mine.

I’d like to herd my cattle into your range.

Do you have any ointment. My saddle sores are hurtin something fierce.

I’m gonna lasso your longhorn.

Wife: you are a homosexual?
no I’m not, I just like to have sex with gay cowboys up on mountains.

I got these chaps for you at Eastwoods secret.

Saddle up cowboy.

Eat any cock lately?

“This T-bone steak tastes like cock”
“let me try”

I like girls too, but they don’t fuck me in the ass.

“Hey if you were to go camping and wake up with your butthole sore, would you tell anybody?”
“Haha, no probably not.”
“You want to go camping?”

“You’re not going to wear those boots with those jeans are you?”

"If you touch it, it gets bigger"

"This is going to hurt the first time."

"Hey I can't stop bleeding. Is that normal?"

"Would you like some cream in your coffee?"

"What happens on Brokeback stays on brokeback"
"You mean we shouldn’t tell people we butt fucked one another?"
"Um... Yeah basically."

"Wife: Why are you walking funny?"

"Wife: HEY, that’s the wrong hole!!"
"Oh sorry I was having flashbacks."

"Hello Jack. It's been a long time."
"Yeah I know Ennis"
"You doing alright?"
"I'm doing pretty good. You?"
"I'm good. Hey you remember when I gave you a hitler?"

"I swear that's never happend to me before."
"Man you really are a quick draw."

Man, 8 seconds isn't always a good ride!

You uh....you got somethin in yer mustache there..

You want some coffee?
No thanks, I'd rather have a tea bag.

Hey man, can I borrow your bandana?
No, but I can give you a pearl necklace.

My favorite food is Brokeback Mountain Oysters.

Townsperson: You guys sure like going up there to Brokeback Mountain. What do you do up there, ride bare back?
Gay Cowboys: WHAT?
Townsperson: Ride your horses bare back?
Gay Cowboys: Oh....uh yeah....we ride our hoooorsseesss bare back. our horses of course.

I'm gonna make you a cowMAN!

If we're gonna eat, we better catch some fish
aahh, I don't have a rod
oh don't worry...I do....I do.

I like your denim vest....it would look better wadded up in the floor of my pup tent.

I'm thinkin about trying out for this band with some People in the Village.

You have a 34 waiste size? ME TOO! Lets trade Wranglers.

Uh oh, your belt buckle has some dirt on it. Don't worry, I'll get it while I'm down here.

Wife: Ennis...your mustache kinda smells like poop.

Wife: Jack? I think you and Ennis got some of your camping laundry mixed up. He called here earlier asking about your pink sock?

"Why don't you ever talk to me when were making love?"
"bler blar whar owher..."
"take that out of your mouth first"

"man is that a gun in your pants or you just happy to see me."
"i'm just happy to see you."

"when we go back down we can't tell anyone."
"why not?"
"they won't understand."
"Because I like to put my cock in your ass."

whoa, did you fart or did I?

I brought the camera so we can recreate our favorite scenes from Blazing Saddles
But I've never seen that movie
Me either.



Being a total A-Hole: Priceless

Mastercard is running a contest where you can submit your own "priceless" commercials. If you want to enter visit their site.

Priceless Contest

Here are our ideas.

New Shirt: $20
Bottle of Champaigne: $30
A bottle of rufies: $10
Getting your ex-girlfriend drunk and passed out just to give her herpies symplex B: Priceless

Scalpel: $10
Chloroform: $5
Igloo Cooler: $9
Hiring a surgeon to perform an illegal liver transplant: $10,000
20 more years of alcohol abuse: Priceless

Bottle of hand lotion: $4
Box of tissues: $2
Tickets to the movies for your obnoxious roommate: $10
Finally being able to masterbate without worry: Priceless

Fine for speeding: $75
Fine for spitting in cops face: $130
Fine for police pursuit: $500
Being involved in your first prison rape: Priceless

Large Pizza: $15
Pint of Chunky Monkey: $5
Package of Oreo’s: $6
Large Milk Shake: $4
Vomiting all that stuff into the toilet so that you can fit into your prom dress: priceless

Tank of Gas: $30
hotel room: $80
Ticket to Cubs vs. Cardinals: $30
Bribing security guard:$100
Taking a dump in Derek Lee’s shoes: priceless

Adult diapers: $20
One gallon of tea: $2
A box of ex-lax: $5
Intentionally soiling yourself during the big meeting and nobody noticing: Priceless

cowboy hat: $30
A horse and saddle: $5,000
sleeping bag:$40
A weekend getaway with your gay lover: priceless

Ladle: $3
Crock pot: $35
10 cans of Bush’s chili:$8
Shock tarts: $1
Sour patch kids:$2
Cookie dough: $3
the look on that guy’s face when he tasted our rock ‘n roll chili: priceless

4 shots of vodka: $8
3 beers: $6
3 Jagerbombs: $9
4 lines of coke: $50
Being so wasted you’ll never remember the night before where you were dared to bang a horse: Priceless



Lyric Breakdown Vol. 1: Bobby Darin - Splish Splash

Here we go with a series that might be pretty fun. A musical dissection of song lyrics, and break down of what they actually mean....or what I think they mean. The first song will be Splish Splash by Bobby Darin.

Splish splash, I was taking a bath
Long about a Saturday night

Alright, lets stop right here. First off, Long about? What does that mean? Secondly, is it just me, or is it kind of strange to choose to spend your saturday night taking a bath. Lets continue.

A rub dub, just relaxing in the tub
Thinking everything was alright

This is the only part of the song that makes sense to me. Taking a bath or shower can be very relaxing. So this line makes perfect sense.

Well, I stepped out the tub, put my feet on the floor
I wrapped the towel around me
And I opened the door, and then
Splish, splash! I jumped back in the bath
Well how was I to know there was a party going on

A couple of things are brought to question here. In this part, he wraps a towel around him after getting out of the tub. But then, he "jumps" back in the tub shortly after. 1. Jumping into a tub is very dangerous. 2. Jumping into a tub full of water would result in a large splash that would cause a huge mess, and possibly ruin something. 3. Jumping back into a tub full of water with your towel still on doesn't make sense, because now, what will you dry off with. 4. Why is there still water in the tub to begin with. Was he just going to leave the water there for next time?

They was a-splishing and a-splashing, reelin' with the feelin'
Moving and a-grooving, rocking and a-rolling, yeah

They? Who all is the tub with this guy now?

Bing bang, I saw the whole gang
Dancing on my living room rug, yeah

He saw the whole gang dancing in his living room. So did these people just help themselves to this guys home to throw a dance party? How rude is that? Secondly, this guy seems pretty concerned about his rug. At the moment it seems like the least of his worries. I mean, a crowd of people just broke into his house, and he is standing there naked, and no-one notices.

Flip flop, they was doing the bop
All the teens had the dancing bug

IT'S CONTAGIOUS, I hope I don't get the dancing bug and break into someone's house and start dancing all about.

There was Lollipop with-a Peggy Sue
Good golly, Miss Molly was-a even there, too
A-well-a, splish splash, I forgot about the bath


I went and put my dancing shoes on, yeah

He went....and put his.....dancing shoes on........that's it. So he is just some naked guy only wearing dancing shoes. This is one dangerous bug.

I was a rolling and a-strolling, reeling with the feeling
Moving and a-groovin', splishing and a-splashing, yeah

WTF is he talking about? Is he in the bath or not? I thought he was dancing naked.

Yes, I was a-splishing and a-splashing, I was a-rolling and a-strolling
Yeah, I was a-moving and a-grooving, we was a-reeling with the feeling
We was a-rolling and a-strolling, moving with the grooving
Splish splash, yeah

Yes, I was a-splishing and a-splashing
I was a-splishing and a-splashing
I was a-moving and a-grooving...

This is a horrible song. I feel so sorry for people who thought this stuff was great.
I think the point of this song is to tell the power of peer pressure. Once one person gets a bug, they can infect others with the insanity, cause a riot of massive proportion. I think it was a good idea to ban dancing. Wait, that never happened.

Right on,

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