Tuesday, February 28, 2006


S*** List Update: Bode Miller

1. Michael Moore - For being a fat obnoxious bastard.
2. Kanye West - For being an arrogant jerk that thinks he is Jesus.
3. Pamela Anderson - For sueing KFC

4. Tom Cruise - For sueing over his portrayal in a South Park episode.
5. Bo
de Miller - For totally bombing at the Olympics and not even caring.

Right on,

Monday, February 27, 2006


A-Hole Impressions: Vol 1: Workers Unions

Whaaaaaaaaaa..whaaaaaaaaa..we are a bunch of crybabies. We are really lazy and don't want to do any work but expect to get paid a lot of money. whaaaaaaaaaa. What? Your not going to give us a raise, another break, and an extended lunch break? Then we are going on strike. We'll show you. Whaaaa whaaaaaaa.

Hey you, you better join the Union. You better pay your dues and give the Union money you fought so hard to earn. And by fought, I mean sit around with 3 other people while you watch 1 person work.

WHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! We are stupid troublemakers that like to cause trouble and will do twice as much work to get out of working, instead of just working like normal.

Right on,

Monday, February 20, 2006


Reasons the U.S. Is Going to Shit! (Volume 1)

Here it is the early part of 2006, and one would think that the U.S. would be better than it was a decade ago, but it’s not. I am going to list (in no particular order) a few reasons on why we are going down the toilet and what we can do about it.

1.) Reality Television

I’m going to start off with something easy. Frankly the only thing worse on television than reality shows are reality shows with celebrities. I’ll admit that not all reality shows are bad, but when American Idol is the #1 show every year there is a problem. I am quite convinced that no one should ever watch this show outside of the first few episodes, which I don’t even think that should be viewed either, but I will discuses that in just a second. Why on earth are people so intrigued with karaoke / high school talent show singers? I don’t get it. And for those first few episodes with the really bad singers, well it’s all fake! There is no way people can think they are good and be that bad. Fox knows what people like and they find people to go on and make an ass of them selves. If these people honestly don’t know they are that bad of singers, then they should be sent to retardville! A lot of the Celebrity reality stuff will be covered soon, but the point is why do people want to spend their time watching B to C washed up Celebes. What is wrong with your lives that you want to see how a porn star and random model can co-exist in the same house or if some fat ass semi-celeb can loose weight? Most reality shows are not even reality. I say put on a reality show of non stop footage with no editing and no background music and see how people like it.

This solution is pretty simple… STOP WATCHING THIS SHIT!!!! Television stations are smart people, they give people what they want and you MORONS, who are ruining the world, want reality television.

2.) Celebrity Love

When did it become a necessity to know what Tom Cruise got Katie Holmes for her Birthday? I mean really who in the hell CARES! Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie getting married? WTF!!! I have no problem with people telling us that this stuff happened, but when there is a need for millions of paparazzi following celebrities around every single day there is a problem. Just like reality shows if there was not a demand for it there would not be any of it. You think that the paparazzi are doing this on their free time? NO, they are getting paid by these tabloids and the tabloids get the money form you… that’s right back to the MORONS, who are ruining the world. I love the fact that when the drag queen from London Dian died the public blamed the paparazzi. No, no, no it was you that killed her. You all wanted to know what she did every second of the day, so people tried to give that to you. No one should care what celebrities say or do anymore than what you or I do.

Another pretty easy solution, stop buying tabloids and caring about what celebrities do. Just because they are famous does not mean that they are interesting or some mythical person that can give you the answer to life (which is 42 for those that care). Live your own life not one that you could never have.

3.) People That Are Politically Correct and People That Just Need To Shut Up

Alright I am not blind to the fact that there was/is a need for people being P.C. It is appropriate in the way it was first intended to be used. There is no need for some corn bread inbreed to call a black guy the “N” word, or for that black guy to call the other guy a “corn bread inbreed”. Just in that last sentence I would probably be dubbed non P.C. Can you call a black guy a black guy? Are you supposed to call him an African American or Afro American (not kidding I really do think that is what is supposed to be P.C. now). To me just trying to figure out what P.C. name I am supposed to call a black guy, a homosexual, a Jewish guy or a Mexican is almost racist. I know I always feel awkward when I say “I was talking to Darnell, a black guy, I mean African American the other day and…” Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have to distinguish race all the time but sometimes you do for the story. The real problem with P.C. is the sensitiveness of the people it truly offends when you are not P.C. I do not have a problem of trying to be P.C. but I am not going to read every day on what I am supposed to say or not say everyday to appease some Ivy League college professor. Get off your ass and cure cancer or something.

I was watching an episode of “30 Days” and there was a bunch of hill billys holding signs that said things like “Aids cures Gays”. That is not normal. People that take time from their life to protest that gays are sinners are not normal. To actually stand on the side of the road telling people that what they do is a sin is just plain stupid. I mean does it really affect you if two gay guys get married? If you believe it is wrong that’s fine, but why do you have to make people think like you? Besides you think that they are going to read a sign and change their lives? I’m going to go stand on the side of the road and tell people that gluttony is a sin, and that fat people are committing sins. Oh, wait that would be non P.C. What’s wrong with just keeping to yourself and acting out on true problems in the world like government issues or aids and cancer? Don’t worry about world hunger though, Bono has that covered.

Survey a large group of normal people on what is P.C. and what is over P.C. I bet that the majority of the people will agree on the few things that need to be P.C. and what things are just what I like to call “hippie boner issues” (meaning hippies get boners when they can argue about the subject.) Also, when I say “normal people”, I know there is no such thing, but what I mean are people that don’t really have a huge agenda with anything. People just need to reorganize their priorities. When changing someone else’s life that doesn’t suit you is on the top of your list then you really need to seek help.

4.) Self Help

Alright people I’m all for people trying to find happiness and trying to solve their problems, but that is why there are licensed therapist. These people actually went to school and received degrees to help other people. Sure they may cost more but hey you know how the old saying goes “You get what you pay for.” You think that buying a book written by Tony Robbins for $39.95 plus tax is really going to solve your problems and make you live happily ever after? Well if you do, there is a plane leaving for retardville and there is a free ticket for you. Now I know there are times these things really did help people and changed there life, but hey people survive jumping out of planes and having their parachutes not open too, but I’m not going to take my chances of jumping without a chute. All you people out there that live and die for the next Dr. Phill book need to get a grip, and Dr. Phill might be one of the most qualified “self helpers” out there. At least he is a real Doctor. Anyways, it’s pretty funny that people relay on others to tell them how to help themselves. I guess the actual act of people buying this crap to help them is not the problem; it is more of the phenomenon it created generating more and more stupid crazy people getting together. Stupid people alone cannot do any harm, but a big group of stupid people start doing other stupid stuff, besides letting someone else tell them how to run their life, like thinking that they need to know if Paris Hilton hooked up with Clay Akins boyfriend.

This is more tricky than just saying stop listening to self help people. It would be easy to say that, but who knows what kind of things these crazy’s would do if they didn’t spend those hours of their days on reading what Ben Dildo says about what problems were caused by their mom biting her toenails in front of them while she was naked. My solution would be to limit self help people to only writing books and could not have seminars or television shows. Also, make it a federal law that says authors have to give their degrees (if they have any at all) in why they feel qualified to help you. One more thing for you crazy’s out there, self help people make money from “helping” you, if they truly helped you then you would stop needing them, they would stop making money, hence loosing their job… let that soak in crazy’s… you got it yet…alright good.

Alright that will do it for now, but I do have more. Now some of my opinions, which are opinions, may not settle with some of you. And if they really offend you, well then you are part of the problem and need to re-read everything again and think more on what life should be.

You’re Welcome

Friday, February 17, 2006


Scott Stapp....what happened?

What happened to Scott Stapp. The guy went from being on top of the world as the frontman of Creed, to being a lonely alcoholic loser. Damn, Scott, you are one pathetic person. I kind of feel bad for the guy, but at the same time, it makes me laugh. Hehehehe, stupid sucker. I did a little research and broke down some key points in his career.


In the late nineties, Creed was the shiznite. Pumping out millions of records. They were one of the most popular rock bands of the time. Myself, I wasn't really a fan, but I can't deny the impact they had on the music world. These guys were "it"


Check that out, Scott Stapp totally punked out Fred Durst. Fred Durst was the biggest bad ass of the time, (or at least he thought so). Durst's band Limp Bizkit was late for a show where they opened for Creed, then Durst bad mouths Stapp and creed. Stapp challenges Durst to a boxing match for charity, and Durst totally wimps out.

Things weren't always this happy though. Eventually, Creed broke up. Stapp started a solo career, and the remaining members started the band ALTER BRIDGE. Alter Bridge's first album sold just over 500,000 albums, while Stapp didn't even sell 400,000. Only bad can happen now.


“Perhaps the biggest comedown for a one-time sales champ, though, has struck macho singer Scott Stapp. While fronting the creatively appalling -- but commercially unstoppable -- band Creed, Stapp helped move more than 6 million copies of the group's final CD. But his solo debut, "Great Divide," pushed only 341,797 copies before slumping to a barely-there No. 124. A pop truism slapped Stapp down to earth: Lose your band's brand name, and you lose the crowd.”

So because of this Stapp is down in the dumps. His band left and started a new band, and while they didn't do great, they did better than him. At this point Stapp is thinking "I need a drink."

STAPP VS. 311"

Unfortunately, Stapp starts drinking in a hotel bar, which just so happens to be the place where a few members of the band 311 are watching a game and have some drinks. Well, the get into an argument which leads to a physical fight. Who started it? I don't know, both sides have their stories, but I gotta stick with my boys 311, and say Stapp is a douche.


Uh oh, Scott is in trouble again. Poor guy. Well, maybe after that little incident he can work on cleaning himself up and working on his image. He used to openly talk about his faith and how he was a Christian. An admirable quality in a celebrity if you ask me. But, yikes, apparently, it was all a lie. Hopefully, NOW, finally, he can sober up, and put it all behind him.


YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! Scott Stapp in a sex tape with Kid Rock. While this isn't a recent tape, (it was recording in the late 90's apparently) it is just now surfacing. This guy just can't get a break.

Stupid stupid Scott Stapp. The whole point of this post is just to say...

SCOTT STAPP SUCKS. IT IS PROVEN. I can't just say, "You suck Scott Stapp, I hate you!" and not have any justification.

Right on,

Monday, February 13, 2006


And now, the best idea we have ever had...

UberRed and I (UberBrian) were at Wal-Mart the other day and came to the following conclusion.
All stores should have a "One Guy Lane". It's like the express lane, but is actually worth getting into. I mean honestly, how good is an express lane that is 20 items or less? How many times do you go to Wal-Mart and get more than 20 items. Anyway, there are some rules to our lane. You have to be ONE GUY.

One man can go through a checkout line 10 times faster than a woman. Let's break it down.
1. Guys empy their cart (if they even have one) like it is a race. We don't even look at the belt, we just grab and toss and don't look up until the cart is empty.

2. Guys have the method of payment ready as soon as they unload their cart. Most guys develop a small case of ADD as they watch the cashier ring them up. They have a hand of cash extended before a total is even given. The debit card is poised in the swiper thing with the other hand ready to push buttons.

3. While waiting for change, the guy grabs all of the bags with one hand, no matter how many there are, and pushes the cart away with the other hand.

BOOM transaction complete. total time? about 1 minute.

NOW, lets go through a womans line.

1. Stand in line and look at tabloids.
2. Slowly and carefully, place all items in cart one at a time.
3. Carefully watch all the prices ring up to make sure they don't get overcharged.
4. Uh-oh, this item was on sale, but rang up full price. Better call someone to get the correct price.
5. Now, she has a coupon that will save her 30 cents on a jar of tomato sauce, but since it was clipped from the paper, the UPC code is messed up.
6. Price total is given. Instead of having payment method ready, they have to dig through their purse to find the checkbook. (only women use checkbooks)
7. Write the check
8. Cashier asks for drivers license (like they do everytime), woman has to go back into the purse to find it.
9. Now, they have to load all of their bags back into their cart.
10. Finally, they are done. total time: about 7 minutes.

Clearly, this is best idea in the world.
Next, I will explain why they should have sections in restaurants called "No Babies" to go along with "No Smoking".

Right on,

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Close Encounters of the Dohler Kind Vol. 2

I have received an email from the man himself, Don Dohler. I just thought I would share.

Thanks for writing. Unfortunately, I no longer own the rights to Galaxy Invader. I sold them to Wade Williams about eight years ago and so far, he's only put it out on video, not DVD.

Our film Harvesters is actually an updating and remake of Blood Massacre, a movie I made in 1987. (Blood Massacre, ironically, was just released to DVD on a collection called "Serial Psychos." It came out last Tuesday.)

We've actually considered doing a remake of Fiend, but we feel our efforts are better spent making new movies.

Don Dohler

Right on,

Saturday, February 11, 2006


Close Encounters of the Dohler Kind

UberBrenton and I (UberBrian) were sitting around talking about Don Dohler movies, and got on the subject of Galaxy Invader and how there should, and could be a sequal. Well, I thought, "..ya know, it's not like Don Dohler is a super star, we could probably find his phone number on the internet and tell him ourselves." So we looked. I expected to not find anything, but figured, eh...we got nothing else to do right now.

We didn't find his number, BUT we did find a name we recognized. Greg Dohler
. Now, I didn't know if Greg is Don's son, or what the relation is, but Greg is in all three of the movies we have seen so far. So I call ol' Greg up, not knowing if it is even the same guy. Again, I expected it to be just some guy who shares the name.

A lady answers and I ask for Greg to which she so politely says, "yeah, hold on." From here on out I will try my best to re-enact (type) our conversation

Greg: Hello?
me: Hi Greg?
Greg: yes?
me: Is this the same Greg from Galaxy Invader?
Greg: Who is this?
me: A huge fan of Galaxy Invader and other Don Dohler Movies...is this the same Greg?
me: aaahhh man...awesome.

The rest is kinda hard to remember because I went a little fanboy on him for a second. And I was so surprised that it actually WAS him, I didn't really know what to say.

I told him we liked watching the movies he was in, and he said he had "fond memories as kid" making the movies. I told him how there should be a Galaxy Invader two, to which he responded with, "Well, you would have to talk to my dad about that." and he gave me some info on how to contact the man. Well actually, he just told me about the company Mr. Dohler started, so I looked it up on the internet.

After about a two minute conversation I told him I didn't want to take any more of his time and thanked him for letting us talk to him.

And just for those wondering, the timeframe here from when me and Brenton started talking, to when I hung up the phone with Greg, was about 10 minutes.

Right on,

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


A letter to my Enemy...

Dear Bastard who has Underworld,

I've been patiently waiting on you to bring back the DVD Underworld to Movie Gallery so i can take advantage of renting it for free while they have their free gallery rentals going on. However, you've felt the need to keep this movie for the past 3 months. Seriously, how many times can you watch this movie. In this three months i've been waiting to rent the movie i finally found someone to borrow the movie from. Now this matter has moved from what was a case of me wanting to see a movie to a matter of principle here. It's not your movie, TAKE IT BACK A HOLE!! How many times can you jerk off to this movie!! There was no nudity, the fight scenes were ok, but at most it was an average movie. You're being selfish you DVD hogging butt nugget! Bring the movie back and all will be forgiven. Apparently movie gallery doesn't think it's in their best interest to get that movie back, but i'm making it my interest now! I don't know what i'll do, but I promise it won't be nice. Just copy the DVD and bring it back......hell, bring me the dvd and i'll have it copied for you!! I hate you underworld keeping mother F'er. You are selfish and you don't think of others! One day this will all come back and haunt you!!! I swear on all things that are holy you WILL pay!

You're Movie Gallery Enemy,



SNOW Thank you

You know what i could do without? YUP SNOW! I hate that winter wonderland crap. You know what snow is good for, NOTHING! All it does it makes bad drivers WORSE drivers. It makes cold weather, COLDER weather. I hate the crunching sound it makes under your shoes, i hate when you walk through shin deep snow and it gets inside your shoes and your feet get wet, i hate cleaning it off my car, i hate it falling down my neck when i'm walking outside. I HATE SNOW DRIFTS. for you "city" people this may not be a problem, HOWEVER for people like me that live outside the city limits you get these things called "snow drifts". what are they, they are little mounds of hell that build up in areas ONLY where you need to drive. I HATE YOU SNOW, i hope you burn in hell!! I didn't like snow as a kid and i hate it more now. snow angels are retarded, snow balls are annoying, snow forts are gay, and frosty the snow man can take his coal eyes and shove them up his big white A hole. now sledding, this is a good concept, HOWEVER it's a better concept in the summer time with a slip'n slide! There's a great concept for you, it's hot outside let's cool down by playing in the nice cool water....INSTEAD some idiots thinks hey it's F'in freezing outside, let's go roll around in the even more F'in cold snow!!! MORONS!

Let's slow this down and go back to the driving portion of this. I will go on the record and say i'm an excellent driver when it comes to snowy/slick conditions on the road. I do NOT mind driving on roads in these conditions, however I do mind sharing the roads with these snowtards that can't drive a straight line. You DO NOT slam on your breaks on ice, you do NOT stomp the gas in slick roads, if you start sliding on the road don't over correct by just starting to spin your steering wheel like an idiot. That's all for now, but if it were up to me i would burn all of this stupid snow up before it hits the ground and for all of you who find the snow to be so pretty or beautiful, i hope a salt truck runs you over.




Yall didn't believe me...

Check This Out!

I hope it's available on iTunes.

Right on,

Monday, February 06, 2006

I love So Taguchi

Saturday, February 04, 2006



On this day, February 4th, 2006, UberRed and I (UberBrian) have officially beaten Top Gun for the NES.

Ok, so we didn't actually beat the game, but we did land on the aircraft carrier at the end of the training mission. And in my book that is just as good as beating the game.

Our next goal...beat level one. Maybe in another 20 years that will happen.


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